


Eclipse

by Literal_Multifandom_Trashcan



Series: zuko getting love and support [3]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Gay Zuko (Avatar), I HATE OCD, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, Ugh, Zuko (Avatar) Angst, Zuko (Avatar)-centric, Zuko gets love, zuko has ocd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:42:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24871726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Literal_Multifandom_Trashcan/pseuds/Literal_Multifandom_Trashcan
Summary: Zuko has these...things. They're pretty dumb, because he knows that his mom won't die if he doesn't flip the pillow five times. He knows the gang wont get attacked if he only steps two times before walking into the campfire.He just...has to. He hates it. It makes him weak.The gaang think something different though.orMe projecting my ocd onto zuko
Series: zuko getting love and support [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1774123
Comments: 37
Kudos: 529





	Eclipse

**Author's Note:**

> my ocd is vv severe rn and interfering with my daily life but me and my therapist have to do zoom calls so its harder to get better :( anyways i hate ocd 
> 
> (idk what im doing with the title)

The first person to notice was Toph. 

It was kind of hard for her not to, considering she had to sense everyone's movements all the time. At first, she thought it was just a one time thing. Every time Zuko was about to enter the campfire, he would tap his left foot three times. Every single time he entered it. 

Right when it was time to go to sleep, Toph felt Zuko's pillow go off of the ground five separate times. It was the same thing, every night. Toph just shrugged it off though, they all had weird habits.

But then she noticed it wasn't just those.

When Zuko woke up, from anything, he tapped the ground with his index finger on his right hand thirty seven times. If Zuko was sleeping near Toph and she woke up early enough, sometimes she could hear him counting under his breath. Every night, after everyone was asleep, Zuko would go to the campfire and light and extinguish it seventeen times. He would light the fire using a tiny flame, before clenching his palm. 

Toph didn't really have a problem with these things. One of the other royal families daughters behaved in a very similar way. People always made fun of her, but Toph tried her hardest to talk with the girl and understand. 

From what she gathered, the reason Zuko did his...routines? rituals? The reason he did his rituals was because of these thoughts. Her friend called them intrusive thoughts. The thoughts were really fucking dumb. It was shit like 'if I don't do this, my family will die.' But Toph's friend told her that she knew the thoughts were irrational, but her brain forced her to do the rituals anyways.

But no, because of Toph's understanding, she didn't really have an issue with these things.

She did have issues with the rituals that hurt Zuko.

Like, right before he puts on his 'hunting shoes' (the dumb name Sokka came up with for them) he burns his ankle six times. They're minor burns, but him and Sokka go hunting together like, every few days. Toph had gotten her feet burnt, and they were minor burns.

(once again proof of how Zuko had changed) 

And those hurt. They were painful to walk on for a few days, and then were sore afterwards. If that was how getting minor burns felt once, she couldn't imagine continuous minor burns multiple times. 

Sometimes, Zuko scratched at his wrist so much that it started to bleed. She didn't know if it was because of the thoughts, or because of a lot of emotion. What she did know was that she had to let the others know, and they had to force Zuko to talk about it.

Roku wanted them to be Zuko's family, which they were fitting into nicely, but in order for them to be able to do that Zuko had to communicate to them. Especially when he was feeling and thinking of things like this.

"Damn," Toph mumbled, standing up from her spot on the ground. "I'm gonna go give Zuko a hug. And maybe we can go sightseeing or something. I'll see how long it takes for him to remember I'm blind." 

Chuckling, Toph could still feel the worry staying deep in her heart. 

\---------------------

The second to figure out something was up was Hakoda.

He was a father, through and through. And although he spent years away fighting at sea, he didn't lose his father-like instincts and habits. He would always make sure everyone had eaten, and if someone looked uncomfortable he would crack a joke and try to break through the tension. He definitely regretted the fact that he missed so much of his children growing up, but he felt he was using this time to make up for it.

Of course, he extended these tendencies to the group, or as they named it, the gaang. He knew Toph could sense her surroundings with her feet, but it was much harder to sense facial expressions and social cues, so he made sure to give her a little nudge when she was having trouble understanding. He knew Suki missed the Kiyoshi Island food, so if she was feeling a little homesick he made sure to cook something.

And then there was Zuko. Within the first couple weeks of being around the gaang, Hakoda had noticed that the boy was a mix of anxiety and self doubt, with some awkwardness and ptsd thrown in. 

He vividly remembered one specific experience in particular. It had been late at night, after almost everyone was asleep. It was Zuko’s turn to shower down by the river flowing through the air temple.

Hakoda was just checking the whole area, making sure everything was structurally okay, along with checking their resources and weaponry. 

He didn’t do it very often, but when he was worried about an attack, he liked to check everything. It calmed him down and reassured him.

He had wandered by the river, careful to give Zuko his personal space, and he heard talking. Of course he had been curious, so he went to check and see what was going on. Considering the boys track record, at the time Hakoda was worried he had been hurt.

What he found had surprised him. Zuko was washing his hair. He had had his hands wrapped tightly in the roots, and Hakoda watched as he pulled them, counting up to twelve pulls all together. He held back a wince, not wanting to draw attention to himself. Biting his lip in worry, Hakoda moved closer so he could better see what was going on.

Zuko had dried himself off using his fire bending, and he was...washing his pants in the water? Of course, Hakoda understood the importance of clean clothes, but after Zuko washed his pants four more times, Hakoda realized something was up. 

He had heard that one of his crew members, Hamotah, had a brother who had something called obsessive compulsive disorder. He had a sneaking suspicion that Zuko might also have the disorder. And for a moment, a thought popped up in his head. What if Zuko had been suffering from this since he was a child? Did Ozai find out? 

He hoped to god that Ozai never found out. Not because there was something wrong with it, but because Ozai seemed like the type of man to perceive something like that as weak. Hakoda’s heart hurt at the thought of Zuko being punished for something he couldn’t control. 

After his discovery, Hakoda tried to keep an eye out for similar behaviors. His suspicions were only confirmed when Toph came up to him one night, asking him if he had also noticed Zuko’s rituals. He was glad he wasn’t the only one looking out for the boy. 

After sharing their discoveries, the two sat in silence for a while. Hakoda hummed in thought, glancing at Toph. She looked like she had an idea of how they should approach the situation. “So, you look like you have a plan. What are your thoughts?” 

Toph bit her lip, sighing. “Well, we have to tell the others. My main goal is getting him to  _ talk _ about it. I don’t want to push it, but I don't like the idea of Zuko hurting himself. And I think...mental health is important. We’ve all had struggles with it, I think.” 

Hakoda smiled encouragingly at her. Toph could be blunt at times, but she rarely shared her emotions, preferring to put up a brash sarcastic facade. 

Oblivious to Hakoda’s encouragement, Toph continued. “Sokka shared his struggles of self esteem. I know sometimes he feels useless because he can't bend. And now we help him out when he feels like that. Aang’s talked to us multiple times about how much pressure he feels. Technically he is one hundred and twelve, but he really isn’t. He’s a child, who was tasked with saving the whole world. Suki and Katara shared how frustrating it is to be powerful females who constantly get underestimated just because of their gender. I have attachment issues and abandonment issues, because well, my family’s a shit show.”

She hummed, looking at Hakoda. 

(He would never get used to that, he always forgets that technically she  _ can _ see him, even if it isn't with her eyes.)

“ _ You _ had to leave your family for multiple years, just to go off and fight in this shitty war. But my point is, we all have mental issues that we’ve talked about. And now that Zuko’s joined the group, he should also feel comfortable telling us his mental struggles. So yeah, we need to force him to talk about it.” 

Hakoda nodded. He knew he wasn’t exactly  _ part _ of the tight knit group yet, but he had gained a lot more insight into both his children and their friends. 

He sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. 

Zuko shouldn’t have had to grow up so fast. 

\---------------------

Surprisingly, the next person to realize something was up with Zuko was Sokka. He wasn’t nearly as dense or stupid as people thought he was. 

When he Zuko was chasing them across the world, his scar was just a  _ part _ of him. Sokka didn’t think about the implications behind it, it just made Zuko look more intimidating. It just... _ was _ Zuko. Sokka could never think of the idea that there was a point where Zuko  _ didn’t _ have the scar.

But then Zuko had joined their little group, and Sokka forced himself to think of Zuko as a  _ person. _ Not an enemy, not a nameless faceless jerk bender, but Zuko. Not the Firelord’s son, not the banished prince, but  _ Zuko. _

And then they had gone on their little field trip through Zuko’s memories, and Sokka wanted to throw up-scratch that, he  _ did _ throw up. He couldn’t imagine living the kind of life Zuko had. Sokka wasn’t ashamed to admit that if he had gone through half the stuff Zuko had gone through, he wouldn’t be alive. 

Zuko was stronger than him, and for the first time, Sokka wasn’t ashamed to admit that. 

So then began Sokka’s friendship with Zuko. It was apparent that Zuko had never had a real sibling relationship. And no, Azula did not count. Sokka took it upon himself to teach Zuko how to properly hunt and fish. 

And Sokka might be dumb sometimes, but there was no way he wouldn't notice Zuko limping a little bit every time they went hunting. The first time around, Sokka just thought Zuko had tripped on something, or gotten injured training with Aang. It wouldn't be the first time it had happened. 

But one time, he had gone up to Zuko’s room to see if he was ready, and he saw Zuko lighting a little flame on his finger, bringing it to his ankle. Sokka had looked away, biting his lip in worry. He didn't know what exactly was going on with Zuko, but he did know that  _ something  _ was going on. 

Then one night, he had seen Toph sneaking away from the campfire, walking towards his dad’s tent. 

Sokka had always been labeled a troublemaker as a child. He proudly showcased his pranking abilities, but there was a reason he had been able to pull off most of his pranks. It was because Sokka was sneaky. He was banned from playing hide and seek with the other kids from his tribe because he won every single time.

So of course, Sokka followed Toph. Hiding behind a rock, Sokka listened to Hakoda and Toph’s conversation. As the conversation continued, his chest tightened up. God, he couldn't even imagine what Ozai would have done to Zuko if he had found out about Zuko’s disorder. Knowing Ozai, the man probably  _ did _ find out about the disorder somehow. He didn’t...he didn't want to think about that right now though. He was already nauseous enough. 

Sokka was so lost in thought that he didn't even notice Toph tapping him on the shoulder. Flipping around, Sokka readied his boomerang, sighing in relief when it was just Toph. Toph just raised her eyebrow at him.

“So you know?” Sokka nodded, clenching his palms. “I want to help.” Toph smiled at him, which surprised Sokka a little bit because Toph almost  _ never _ smiled. 

“Zuko really drew the short stick in life, huh?” Toph sighed.

“Thats a true statement if i’ve ever heard one.”

\---------------------

Suki knew something was up with Zuko, but she didn't realize it here. At Boiling Rock, the two had surprisingly become quick friends. Sure, he burnt down their village, but Suki was a leader through and through. 

The first rule of being a good leader is realizing that there are  _ always _ two sides to a story. Plus, it wasn't like Zuko could hurt her, with all the guards watching both of them like hawks. 

The thing that really convinced Suki that Zuko had changed was when, during the late hours of the night, Zuko had snuck into her cell, carrying an extra piece of bread that he had managed to smuggle away.

To her surprise, he didn't split it in half or anything, he gave her the whole piece. His reasoning was “You’ve been in here longer, and I know for a fact that they don't give prisoners enough food. Take it.” And she was so surprised that she took it. 

She remembered that night really well, because before Zuko had the chance to leave, she forced herself to ask him why. She didn't want to originally. She wanted to be selfish, wanted to not think of Zuko as a person, just as an asshole. But deep in her heart she knew that would make her just as bad as the fire nation. 

From her life experiences, she realized that most conflict comes from deep misunderstanding. So she asked.

And he responded.

He told her about the way the children in the fire nation were raised. About the giant spread of propaganda, about the lack of exposure to the gritty parts of war, to the destruction the fire nation caused. He told her that most children are sent to war thinking they’re fighting for their country when in reality they're pigs being shipped to a slaughter house. He told her about how his father banned specific books, not wanting his children to learn the truth. 

In return, she told him about the propaganda spread about the fire nation. That she was raised learning that no one from the fire nation is good. That the fire nation were the only ones causing destruction in the war. One night she had overheard her mother talking, and found out that the earth kingdom had murdered a fire nation village full of innocent people. 

War involved both sides. Her and Zuko agreed that there was no innocent party in war. That millions of innocent lives were lost on both sides, that there were corrupt authorities everywhere. He shared his experience in Ba Sing Se with the Dai Li. 

Suki told him the story of the fire nation refugee that came to Kiyoshi seeking help and refuge. The refugee was an elderly woman, who came tightly clutching her grandchild. She told Zuko that the island had cast the woman out, and that it was one of the few times where she was genuinely ashamed of her community. 

In exchange, Zuko told her the story of the 41st division. Of how he had tried to save the innocents from being slaughtered. He told her of his naivety, of how ashamed he was to cast a blind eye to the suffering his nation brought. Although Zuko never directly talked to her about his childhood, she came to the conclusion that Ozai was as strict a father as he was a king. 

The two had shared trauma, and from there their relationship had only gotten stronger. Suki considered Zuko one of her closest friends. So, of course she noticed Zuko’s habits. The way his foot would hit the ground three times before he entered the campfire circle. The way he dug his nail into his palm when he was getting emotional. 

She figured at one point she should approach Sokka about the matter. Imagine her surprise when Sokka not only agreed with her, but also shared that Toph and Hakoda both knew about the matter. 

She liked the idea that they had.

Suki wanted to prove that Zuko could trust their friendship. There was a time where Suki thought she was weak because of her anxiety. Where she thought she couldn't be a warrior. Sokka had been the one to show her that  _ despite _ her anxiety, she was still an amazing warrior.

She wanted to be to Zuko what Sokka had been to her. A friend.

\---------------------

Aang might have been twelve, but he was perceptive as hell. 

The monks had taught him many things, but one of the ones he always tried to keep in his mind was to be observant. Aang wanted to make sure he was aware of what everyone was going through, so he could be the friend he promised to be. Aang didn't like the idea of abandoning his promises. It was something he resolved to live by. 

So Aang made an effort to practice with Katara when some guy made a rude remark about her. He would have let her win, but he knew Katara would feel even more insulted by that. Letting her win would be downgrading her skills and underestimating her abilities. It always made her feel better, to know that Aang would never think of her as weak.

If Sokka was feeling particularly insecure, Aang would spar with Sokka. Aang wasn't ashamed to admit that Sokka was a much better physical fighter than he was. It helped Aang improve his skills and helped Sokka feel better about himself. A plus all around. 

When Toph was feeling insecure about her bluntness, Aang would take her to sit on top of the boulders they made and tell her the funniest stories he could think of. During the time before the ice, everyone was blunt. There was no sugar coating, no lying or evading facts. It made for pretty funny stories, plus it made Toph feel better about her perceived insensitiveness. 

If Suki was missing her friends on Kiyoshi island, Aang would summon Avatar Kiyoshi so she could spar with Suki. He had gained a large amount of control in regards to the Spirit World. Suki was always happy to meet and see her idol.

Someone who Aang didn't really know how to comfort was Zuko. Zuko was an enigma to him. But as Aang talked with Zuko more and more, he understood that him and Zuko were way more similar than he had previously thought. 

They had both been confused. They had both been thrown into situations they didn't understand. They had both been forced to abandon any sense of normalcy for the greater good of the world. They both had giant amounts of pressure on their shoulders.

However, Aang noticed that their perception of the world was very different, due to their upbringings. He noticed that because of the homophobic household Zuko grew up in, he often seemed uncomfortable sharing anything about his sexuality with them, probably still worried about their reactions. Aang had no such reservations. Air was free, and so was love. Additionally, Zuko took all kindness with a grain of salt, wary of lies. 

Aang also noticed Zuko didn't like discussing mental health. Or emotions in general. Although Aang couldn't imagine that as a way of living, he could understand why Zuko held reservations about it. Just in general, those kinds of things were hard to discuss, but considering the household Zuko grew up in, it must be somewhat of a foreign concept to him.

When the two were meditating, Aang really took notice of these..twitches Zuko had. His eye tended to twitch, and he would bite his lip multiple times. One time Aang took the liberty of counting how many. It was always thirteen times. 

Aang might be overbearing sometimes, but he knew when not to press an issue. Instead, Aang discussed it with Sokka, who informed him of the other's knowledge. And Aang...really didn't know what to do. So he went to the spirit world, finding a quiet spot to meet with Avatar Roku.

"My grandson has been conditioned into thinking showing imperfection is weak. I had hoped that he would be able to come to the conclusion that the way he was raised is not right, but he needs guidance. I trust you to show it to him."

Sighing, Aang rested his head on the wall behind him. That didn't really answer his question, but it did fill him with determination. 

He would be a good friend.

\---------------------

The last person to learn of the issue was Katara. 

She didn't even notice it herself. She was reevaluating her perception of Zuko, but she wasn't ready to be his friend yet. She tried to reason with herself, make excuses for her cold shoulder. They all had their sob stories, Zuko's wasn't special. They couldn't compare they're suffering.

But in the back of her mind she knew that Zuko had suffered much more than any of them could even conceptualize, much less feel or empathize with. Katara felt like she could put herself into Aang's shoes. Being gone for so long, coming back only to have everyone relying on you to end something you weren't even alive for the start of.

Katara felt like she could put herself into Sokka's shoes. Trying to find a purpose, a sense of usefulness, when being surrounded by powerful people. Feeling like you aren't good enough. Having to act as a male role model and the main protector of a village, no parental figure to guide you.

She could put herself into Toph's shoes. Her mom and dad thinking she isn't good enough of a warrior, just because she was a woman. Running away to get away from being constantly coddled and handled with kiddie gloves. 

Katara couldn't put herself into Zuko's shoes. She couldn't imagine growing up with a man who was never a father. She couldn't imagine how it felt to be held up to insanely high expectations. She couldn't think about how it would feel to be constantly compared to a prodigy younger than her. She was always the wonder of the village. She was the bender. 

She couldn't imagine the complications that come with growing up surrounded by the government. Living around politics. People whispering behind her back, assassination attempts and coup's against her father. She couldn't imagine having to sneak around just so she wouldn't get killed for loving someone. She couldn't imagine growing up with a father that burnt her when she did something childish. When she did something wrong.

She couldn't imagine getting half of her face burnt off by her own father. She couldn't imagine kneeling in front of her dad, telling him she didn't mean any disrespect. Telling him she was her loyal daughter. She couldn't imagine her father ignoring her pleas, choosing to burn her anyways. To leave her with a scar that would forever be the first thing people see. She couldn't imagine never being able to go home again. She couldn't imagine being told to chase after a fairy tale. 

Which was why she had so much trouble being friends with Zuko.

Don't get her words twisted. She felt bad for him. She understood he was strong. 

She just couldn't...understand _him._

No, not couldn't. Didn't make an effort to. 

But she at least resolved to try to get to know him better, before coming to assumptions and conclusions. Which had to count for something, right? 

So she went about life as normal, teaching and practicing waterbending with Aang. Cooking. Hunting. Planning. She tried to be less awkward towards Zuko. She felt like they were at least making a little bit of progress in the ways of friendship.

Obviously not, if she couldn't notice something as big as this.

Toph, Suki, Hakoda, Aang, and Sokka had all come up to her before dinner time. Zuko was out hunting, bringing them firewood and fresh herbs and spices. She had been confused at first, when Hakoda gently sat her down, everyone else surrounding her.

Then she had learned. She learned that Zuko had these habits, which were caused by these bad thoughts. She learned that his habits took over his routine, his life. She learned that these habits were part of a disorder. She learned that Zuko had been taught that imperfection equaled weakness. 

She had learned Zuko's struggles went much deeper than his father. And Katara wished, with all of her heart, that she was able to heal mental wounds. That she was able to relieve some of the suffering Zuko was trying to work through.

But she knew she couldn't, so she would do the next best thing.

Heal him with silent love and support.

\---------------------

Zuko was pretty confused when he came back to the camp only to be met with everyone sitting around the campfire in a semicircle.

Gently dropping the things he had gathered onto the ground, he stepped three times with his left foot before walking into the campfire. Only then did he realize that everyone looked at his foot. 

Suddenly, Zuko couldn't breathe. _They knew._ Gasping, Zuko felt his chest get heavy and tighten up, looking at them with horrified eyes. "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. I know my habits or whatever are weak. I'm sorry. As soon as you say the words I'll be gone. I won't be weighing you guys down anymore."

Saying that with one breath, Zuko shut his eyes, trying to regulate his breathing. He flinched when he felt someone's arms wrap around him, slowly and warily sinking into the embrace. Tears trailing down his face, Zuko wanted to scream because _he. couldn't. breathe._

His ears were ringing, and he was fighting the urge to burn whoever was hugging him. Sucking in breaths, Zuko's chest started to burn from the lack of air. After a few seconds, he became aware of a voice right next to his ear, softly telling him a breathing pattern. It was the same one Uncle had taught him.

Slowly, Zuko managed to suck in more and more air each gasp, leaning into the person's arms. Person, which person? God he hoped it wasn't his father. No, it wouldn't be father.

Ozai never gave him hugs. 

Pulling away, Zuko realized it was Hakoda. Remembering where he was, he felt his face heat up. 

Looking around, Zuko saw confused and horrified faces. Horrified with him, probably. What kind of person thought their family was going to die unless they flipped their pillow five times? What kind of person was so paranoid about germs that they had to wash their pants five times? What kind of person thought his uncle was going to die unless he burned his ankle six times before putting on a specific set of shoes?

He knew he was about to get worked up again, and could tell the others also sensed it. Surging forward, Toph sat down right in front of Zuko. "I'm going to get straight to the point. We've all noticed your rituals. We don't have an issue with them. What we do have an issue with is the ones that hurt you. We care about you, Zuko. We've all had mental health struggles, and we've all confided in each other. Although it was hard to, it made us all feel better after. This family and friendship thing is a two way street. Please talk to us."

That...was not what Zuko was expecting. He was expecting something more along the lines of 'we hate you, leave.' Honestly he should start changing his expectations. Taking a seat, Zuko hesitated.

"Do you...really want to hear about it?" The group nodded empathetically and enthusiastically. "So um, I get these..thoughts sometimes. Things like, um, if you don't tap your finger on the ground thirty seven times after you wake up the group will get attacked. Or like, if you don't punch the wall seven times Aang will die in his sleep. And uh, they're pretty stupid. I know they're stupid. I know that stuff won't actually happen...my brain just makes me do it. My mom called it OCD. It's stupid and it's weak."

Suki carefully regarded Zuko, wondering about how to properly word her point. "Is..that something _you_ think, or is it something your father taught you?" His jaw dropped open, thinking about the point she made.

"He...he taught me that. Azula was a really observant kid, and she told my dad about my..." Zuko gestured to himself, and then to his surroundings. " _things_. He um, didn't have a great reaction, as I'm sure you all guessed."

Sokka was the one who had surged towards Zuko, wrapping his arm around the other's shoulder. "Well I don't think it's dumb. I think you're really strong. It sounds like it's hard to live with something like this. I think nothing's wrong with you."

Katara nodded, taking up Zuko's other side, albeit a little awkward. "I think I speak for all of us when I say it's okay for you to feel like this. But, tell us if we're wrong, it seems like it's...a lot? We want to be here for you, and we want to help you manage this. It seems like it takes up your life?"

Zuko nodded, a little surprised. Normally blunt was something he associated with Toph, not with Katara. The wording was a little...offensive to him? No, that wasn't the right word. It just felt uncomfortable, to talk about something he tried to hide for years. 

"I don't...like living like this. I don't like the things my disorder makes me do. I um, we can do some exercises my Uncle and mom taught me a while ago. For...managing it. And um, I'm going to try to communicate more about stuff like this."

Hakoda smiled gently at Zuko. 

"That's all we can ask of you Zuko. To try." 

**Author's Note:**

> rant-i hate the fact that the media glorifies my disorder and calls it 'quirky' and 'trendy'. its not a game, its not fun to live with, and it fucking SUCKS. its something that destroys lives, it makes it hard to function normally. its so much more than what people think it is. please try to educate yourselves on it!! education is important, especially because of the stigma surrounding mental health


End file.
